If Sean ran the world

Dear Mom and Dad

Below are my list of demands.  I am glad that we were able to come to an agreement. Please sign and date below.  

Your loving son, Sean.

1.  I will rise but I will not shine.  (at least not right away)

2.  Once I wake up I will want to be held for an undetermined amount of time.  I will let you know when it is ok to put me down.  You will drop all that you are doing and just hold me.  Putting me down before I say when will result in tears.  

3.  I have decided that I don't want to eat breakfast in my high chair anymore.  I will be allowed to wander the entire house and will deposit breakfast food items in undisclosed locations that I may consume at a later time.  If it can crumble... I will crumble it.  It I can smear it... I will.  Any attempts to thwart my efforts will only cause me to work faster.  Just let me get my business done and no body will get hurt.

a. If forced to eat breakfast in my high chair I WILL throw all items placed in front of me as far as I can.  Rest assured I will located all said items and try to feed them to the cat or hide them.  

4.  I want to eat whatever my brother is eating.  I will get my way.  However, I reserve the right to change my mind at a moments notice and will throw all unwanted items as far as I can.  You must then read my mind and promptly place the food item of my desire in front of me.  Failure to do so will result in loud shrieks until you get it right.

5.  I will let the cat escape every morning while you take my brothers out to the bus.  The cat and I have come to a mutual agreement.  We will continue with our plans of total domination until you send me to pre-school or the cat dies.  

6.  I might take a nap and I might not.  I will not give you any hints of my master plan... you can't make me.  

a.  If I do decide to nap I will lie where I fall.  Any attempts to move me to a bed/crib will result in tears and then I promise you I will stay awake until well past your bed time.  

b.  In the event of a nap see #1 and #2

7.  I will eat a nutritious lunch for you.  However I reserve the right to throw all my food on the floor and request for more.  You will comply.  

a.  a short time later I will empty the pantry in attempts to locate something to nibble on.  You will leave the food where I put it.  Attempts to put it away will result in tears and only make me work faster. 

8.  I like yogurt, applesauce and ketchup.  However, after eating my fill I will rub the rest in my hair, on my clothes an all over my tray.  I may even use my spoon to fling some by anyone brave enough to dine near me.  

a.  You will then be required to bath me and change my clothes.

9.  I like a clean diaper, just like the next guy, but I like being naked even better.  So change my  diaper quickly (I haven't got all day you know) and put pants on my right away.  Failure to do so will result in me taking off my diaper an putting it in an undisclosed location.

a. I may at this time pee on the floor.  You will not get angry at this.  It is a natural bodily function... everybody does it.

10.  Don't put pants on me that have snappy crotches anymore.  Who thought it was a good idea to put 8 snaps on these things??? I only have the patience for for 6.  And did you know that I can undo all the snaps and pull my diaper off??? If you are really nice to me I will tell you where I hid it.

11.  If I didn't have a nap in the morning I just might take one in the afternoon.  Don't try to figure out when or where... just let me be and stop trying to act like you know what's best for me.  I am a big boy and I can do what I want.

12. I will, no doubt, have emptied the toy box several times by now for no apparent reason.  No, I was not looking for anything in particular... I just think it is funny to watch you try to pick things up faster than I can toss them about.  

13. I will touch all things perviously told to me to be off limits while you go to the bathroom.  Upon your return I will tell you that my brother did it and claim no responsibility.

a.  I will move furniture in order to touch said things and I will not take personal safety in to consideration.

b. NOTHING is beyond my reach.

14.  My brothers have the coolest toys.  So just buy 2 or 3 of everything and nobody will get hurt.

a.  Failure to comply with this simple request will result in a quick snatch and grab and when I am a safe distance away I will break it (whatever it is) so no one else can play with it.

15.  I am cute and I know it.  Just keeping it real.

16.  I will eat anything you put in front of me for dinner, within reason.  However I will consume all that I am willing to eat before you even sit down to the table at which time I will throw my plate onto the floor, remove the tray and drop it down and make an honorable escape attempt.  

a.  I may use fake tears.  I know it is not fair but we both know it works.

b.  Pour yourself another glass of wine.

17.  I am the baby and demand to be treated as such.  

a.  I can take toys away from anyone but no one can take them away from me.

b.  I am above the law and will employ every trick in the book to make you smile when you try to discipline me.

c.  FYI ... I like the naughty spot. (seriously... this sort of punishment is for amateurs)

  

18.  I will find a writing utensil and I will write on something important.  If there is no paper or   permission slip or bill, or other important document available I will write on myself.  It is called self expression MOM.   

19.  I have lots of energy and I will fight sleep at all cost.

a.  I like to cuddle on my own terms.  And although we both know that sitting quietly is the best way to get me ready to go down for the night, know that I will test your very limits as a parent.  I do this because I love you.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

b.  Forget the fact that I am too old... I'm not gonna lie to you... I like the "mommy milk" so why do you keep holding out on me?  Seriously, I would go right to sleep if you would just whip out the "good stuff".  You give me what I want and I will give you what you want... cross me and there will be hell to pay.

20.  I love you with all my being.  However I will only submit to a limited amount of kisses and hugs each day.  I will slap you in the face, I will blow my nose on your shirt and I bite... but it is all because I love you.  

    (parents of Sean E. Collins)

I _____________________________, herby agree to these terms and accept you and promise to love you unconditionally for the rest of my life.